Getting a job promotion can be a great feeling, but it can also be a terrible one. This handy little guide will walk you through the steps and advise you on what to do once promoted.

So you want a promotion? Good for you, it’s a big step. First, make sure you REALLY want it. In some cases, a promotion could mean a lot more money, and actually less responsibility. While on paper this sounds great, if you love working in say sales, and get promoted to a manager position where you no longer carry out any sales, and instead design training and “how to make sales” articles, you might hate the new position. Sometimes you can find yourself promoted, but without the big bucks to back it up. Now you’re doing much more for the same amount of money. Decide if and when you’d like to move up

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Not only are you being forced to go to the company party because your boss specifically “wanted you there” but to make things worse, once you arrive, you find out you hardly know anyone. Of course your boss comes over to greet you but soon disappears to talk with other important “bigwigs” leaving you abandoned in a sea of unfamiliar faces and blank stares. Your first reaction is to get the hell outta there like a bomb just exploded in the building or lock yourself in the bathroom like a fat girl on prom night. But after the initial panic attack you figure you have to stay just a while; just so you can say you attended. This is when survival mode kicks in, aka hittin’ the bar. Weather it be an unfamiliar wedding, an extended family gathering or alone it seems like the saying “alcohol is the best social lubricant” is indeed true. Watch out though, too much lubrication and you will be sloshing and sliding through social circles like your drunken uncle Tommy. So besides getting tanked on alcohol, how the hell are you going to survive this awkward social gathering?

Firstly, good party timing is like great sex, it’s bad if you come too early and its bad if you come too late (even worse- not at all!). Do yourself a favor and plan to go “fashionably late” to the event. This way some introductions have been made, people are settled and most importantly – the drinks are kicking in. Make it easy on yourself, why get drunk when you can just wait for others to get drunk instead! They are working for your cause! Once you have made your perfect entrance and people are getting all lubed up on martinis, start by making your way to the hotspots of the house party or bar. Standing near food and drink is a goldmine, giving you a ready-made  discussion topic and appetizers to stop making you look like a nervous stiff erection. Just be warned, once you start discussing food with someone, be ready to dive into other fluff talk soon after. No one over the age of three stands around and talks about oranges for longer then 15 minutes.

After smoozing around the hotspots, your next best move is to make friends with the staff. Bartenders, servers, musicians, the DJ, kitchen staff- hell even the illegal immigrant are all people that are probably almost as nervous as you. A couple of questions, a funny comment and good rapport with one of these hired guns will make you seem like that fun social alpha male of the party. Not only are these hired folks excited to talk (cause they are probably as bored as you) but they will be glad someone pays any attention to them because everyone else is too busy chatting and spreading rumors like it’s 90210. By using the hotspots and staff to your advantage, you should have no problem attacking the rest of the playing field. Although you can never plan everything out, navigating your way through foreign party terrain is like good jazz- there’s a lot of improvisation.

Despite the hard times and the failing economy, you can find work. We’ve put together this little survival guide to get you through the economic dry spell. If you’re in the position of a recent college grad (As recent as May) looking at an unemployed summer, and no job prospects for the fall, these tips should help you as well.

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The short answer to this question is “Hell Yes!” but while the majority of us are not doctors, fire fighters, cops and movie stars, the rest of us get by just fine. When trying to pick up a woman your current career path can make or break you. (if you know enough about it, you could always make one up) Here is a list of do’s and donts in what say pertaining to your job, and how even a crappy position can possibly get you laid.

Actual Job: Sales rep for a company that manufactures medical waste containers

Don’t: “I’m in sales”

Sales implies you go door to door selling shitty vaccums. Instead think of something you actually do and use that.

Do: “I manage the accounts of local children’s hospitals selling technology that can save lives.”

Actual Job: Guy who writes the fine print on public service announcements

Don’t: “I’m the guy who found out you shouldn’t have an erection lasting more than four hours when taking Viagra”

Do: “I’m in TV advertising”

Actual Job: Out of work cartoonist

Don’t: “I draw Dilbert clones and distribute them around cubicles in the area”

Do: “I’m an artist looking for a nude model, and you have the perfect figure”

Actual Job: Internet Message Board Moderator

Don’t: “I ban kids for leaking pictures of the next Gears of War video game”

Do: “I run PR for a popular networking site, and yes I do know the guy behind Facebook.”

Actual Job: Male nurse

Don’t: “I’m a male nurse”

Do: “I’m a doctor, but I haven’t opened up my OWN practice yet.”

Calling out of work sick might seem like a thing of the past with the constant weight of the collapsing economy and threat of job loss but maybe there’s still hope.  And that hope lies within each and every one of us…not to screw up our carefully constructed lies.

No doctors note?

Say it was a 24 hour virus, or that you couldn’t afford the co-pay, or that it must have been the generous helping of Ethiopian food you ate the previous night.

Know how to lie.

As in, don’t try and sound sick or like you’re doing a Harvey Fierstein impression.  Don’t add unnecessary details like “-and then I projectile vomited a Guinness world record of eleven feet.”

If you have a weekend job…

Don’t ever talk about your partying exploits and debaucheries if you want to call in sick on a weekend day.  Remember, your boss and/or co-workers will filter out your excuses and deposit them into a default “Oh, it’s another hangover” mental file.

Stop this by pre-empting their suspicions with a story about how one time you went out for a drink on a Saturday night and it was too much for you; the next day the police found you romantically spooning a homeless person.  From then on, a single wine cooler, imbibed over the course of 6 hours is all you will partake in…on a wild night.

Do you have common sense?

Last but not least, don’t get caught.  Don’t make this the day you go to the mall, the most popular restaurant in town or for a jog that takes you past work.  Be mindful!

Keep up with your image, your lies and your ability to sound natural as you call in sick and you won’t be first on the lay-off list.

Do you know the guy or girl at work that follows the boss around like a loyal pup, ready to pour a fresh mug of coffee, nod in agreement or laugh at any lame joke that threatens to burst from the big boss at any point?  I think we all do.  That brown-noser may have made his or her choice and decided to take on the burden for job security or the hope of a favoritism-fueled promotion.  On the other hand, maybe they found themselves trapped in a situation where they were thrust into the spotlight and couldn’t find their way out.

The best way to stay out of the spotlight is to keep your head down.  Is there a staff meeting?  Avoid eye contact.  What about a presentation, Powerpoint or otherwise?  Sit near the back, behind the fat guy.  One wrong move and you could inadvertently volunteer for something you didn’t mean to.  Feign interest if need be, but stay in tune with everyone else’s body language.  This way, if you become a soulless corporate zombie, at least you’ll be part of something that won’t grant you the crushing privilege of being your superior’s own personal lapdog.

Is there a bowling trip or company picnic?  If you don’t have the necessary skills to make it through such a social occasion, you may find yourself in a one on one conversation with your boss talkin’ shop.  This could put ideas in his or her head that involve you working harder without extra compensation.  Be friendly with the boss and answer questions, but for the sake of Windows solitaire, YouTube and all other activities you enjoy while still on the clock, keep talking to a minimum.  In fact, if you can stay away without making it obvious, whether that means keeping distance from your boss or out of the event altogether, please do so.  And if you have multiple bosses, god- help – you.

Arm yourself with a general malaise.  Don’t say anything too proactive or impressive.  And unless there’s a clear opportunity for a raise or promotion, for the love of minesweeper, DON’T MAKE EYE CONTACT.

Let’s just start off with the basics: a broom closet is not a strategically fortified room of secrecy for your afternoon delight.  If your co-workers don’t notice you going in, then the janitor will most certainly notice that the turpentine has been knocked over and the mop bucket has moved clear across the room.

Knowing glances, quick yet frequent water cooler encounters and text messages that seem to magically and simultaneously involve both of you won’t go unnoticed.  Play it smart.  Use an instant messenger to communicate, but not about anything overtly flirty, because we all know where that path leads: right back to the broom closet.

Plan your meet-ups at venues that don’t run much of a chance meeting with your boss or any co-worker.  This is ideal.  Meeting up down the street at the bar that everyone goes to for happy hour on Friday is not.  In fact, what’s the opposite of ideal?  Because that’s it.

Don’t fall into the social networking trap of listing your relationship online…that is unless you were born to lie.

“Who are you engaged to?”

“Oh yeah, that’s Mariska my Russian mail order bride.”

“What!? “

“Hah…yeah.”

“Are you serious?”

“Ah…um…nah…I decided to cancel my order.  Check my facebook page, I’m single again.”

On second thought, that may prove to be a bit more complex than originally anticipated.  Keep it secret, keep it safe much like Frodo and the one ring, and you’ll be all right.  Keeping an office romance on the DL isn’t always easy, but if done right it can be a fun, conspiracy-driven secret for you and your 9-5 lover.