It’s happened to the best of us. You meet a girl; you sleep with her, and you move on with your life. You’ll be out at dinner a month later and as you go to walk your date to the car, you notice that your tires or slashed, or some kind of obscenity is scrawled across your windshield in lipstick, or worse. It’s happened to the best of us, and hopefully you at least slept with her. You’re now dealing with a stalker.

The stalker has many shapes and forms. And like the nine circles of hell each is worse than the last.

1. The overly good friend: The only problem is you might not be attracted to her. This is a girl that will find you and annoy you at no end into hanging out with her. She might serve as a cockblock or she might actually help you meet someone. She’s not pursuing you romantically, she’s just a pain in the ass.

The torments of the first circle: a high cell phone bill/not having alone time with your girlfriend.

2. The lustful: This one can be a lot of fun. She’s a bit of a freak in the bedroom, but she only wants you. If you can arrange an open relationship and end it soon enough, you should be ok.

The torments of the second circle: aim away messages comprised of emo lyrics, and facebook status updates about what a jerk you are.

3. The glutton: This one fits the bill of the second one, except she’s fat. Hideously fat. Odds are you aren’t a chubby chaser, or you’d be happily ever after and she won’t be chasing you. There’s no easy way to get rid of this one, especially cause you might start out as “ok” friends. Twist the knife in quick, so she hates you. So long as you don’t get drunk and accidentally sleep with her you should be ok.

The torments of the third circle: Everything from the above two, and possible acts of violence against herself. The real crazy variety might threaten suicide to get you to date them.

4. The material girl: This foul temptress will show up as the quiet hot chick you meet at the coffee house. Before you know it, she’s bought you a $700 watch. All seems well until she demands you say that you love her in mid coitus (and your dumb ass will oblige.) The next time you return home, her parents are there waiting to meet the guy who will be marrying their little girl.

The torments of the fourth circle: It gets bad from here on out. Aside from All of the Above, this one operates on the belief of “she giveth, and she can taketh away”, even if she didn’t buy it in the first place. Except among other things, your flat screen destroyed. Don’t let them in on the fact of which items are sentimental to you.

5. The wrathful: These are the girls who are super sweet until you piss them off. Then you see those crazy eyes and suddenly she’s throwing shit at you. Large objects, not paper airplanes.

Torments of the fifth circle: Physical violence against you and your possessions. All sorts of malicious word of mouth, and possible interventions against future women you attempt to date.

6. The Heretic: This level as well as the ones to come after are reserved for ex girlfriends. The heretic is guilty of heresy…against you. After you break up you can expect her to tell the rest of the world some really bad shit about you. How bad? “ the time he was not being able to get it up” should be the least of your concerns.

Torments of the sixth circle: this bitch is nuts. She might be telling her friends, family, and law enforcement everything from you kicked her dog, to you raped her. Extremely unstable and she believes her stories. The only cure is you might have to marry them.

7. The violent: In the circles of hell (which we’ve blatantly borrowed from Dante) from here on, it gets so specific that the levels themselves have multiple sections for even worse offenders. For purposes of this article, we’ll lump them together and explain the difference between the violent and the malicious.

Torments of the seventh circle: While the wrathful is likely to write “drop dead” on your car in her pretty pink lipstick, the violent is doing it in your now dead dog’s blood. If  you have one of these on your tail, go into hiding and keep your remaining loved ones safe. Be on the lookout for flaming bricks and Molotov cocktails coming through your window.

8.  The (credit card) fraudulent: The name really says this one. This bitch is not only crazy, but she’s educated, AND internet savy.

Torments of the eighth circle: You might find your credit score has dropped from 700-400 and she took an all expenses paid cruise on your dime. You’ll still get things written on your car, except this time it’ll be in human excrement. Sound good?

9. The traitor: According to Dante, the 9^th circle is reserved for the worst of the worst and houses five specific people. Since one of them happens to be satan, I’ll spare you the rest. This spot is reserved for the worst ex you’ve ever encountered, one that not only cheated on you, but convinced the rest of the world you raped her, or forced her to kill her unborn child. Things written on your car will be written in blood, hers AND yours.

Torments of the ninth circle: Lorena Bobbit, Angelina Jolie, Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

If you wish to overcome a stalker, you have to be dealing with a level five or less. There’s really only two ways: make yourself unavailable, or marry them. You’re gonna have to change your facebook account. To pre-empt a stalker, make them dump you. Just make yourself repulsive and a horrible choice for a mate. They’ll get the idea and get sick of you. If they don’t, congratulations you have the full reigns of the relationship. Also, you could always call like you say you will, just pray for a voice mail

Daydreams can lead to a wealth of fantasy that break you from your daily grind and put a smile on your otherwise emotionless face.  Whether it’s during the work-day or as you flip through channel after channel of laugh tracks, sales pitches and reality TV shows, thinking of your loved (or lusted) one can give you a quick recharge.

But don’t get caught up in it.  If you run out of material (or there isn’t much to begin with because you’ve just met) then where do you go?  Please don’t say it.  Okay, fine.  Go ahead.  You want to hit the net and e-stalk the crap out of your new squeeze don’t you?  OK, you can say it, but don’t do it.  One thing leads to another and you may find yourself in a pretty uncomfortable position.  Let’s take a look at some potential situations.

Situation A:

The Stalk:

You comment on her profile.  It’s something cute and inviting yet witty and a little sardonic like, “Hey baby, remember me from the laundromat?  You spin me right round baby right round, like when I didn’t have enough change and we romantically chose to dry our whites together.”

The Outcome #1:

She doesn’t answer so your mind explodes with a gush of questions.  Why didn’t she respond?  Did she not see it?  Laundry isn’t sexy, what was I thinking!?

-or-

Outcome #2:

She responds with something equally sugary and amusing…or just something that shows her true colors way too fast like “oH my G-D im s0 h@ppy ur msg’in me. uR the 1^ST guy I kn0w wit that menee teef.”

Situation B:

The Stalk:

Although you’ve never met her, you feel like kindred spirits.  You both post on the same message boards, you both like the same TV shows and you both have a totally irrational fear of lawn gnomes.  You think it’s too good to be true, so before officially meeting you sneak over to look through her apartment window to see if she’s as fit as she looks in her photos.  Reality ensues.

Outcome #1:

You bite the bullet and decide to go out with her even though her size suggests she’s prone to using a can of whipped cream as a mid-coitous snack as much as she is for foreplay.

-or-

Outcome #2:

You detach yourself completely, never knowing if there really was enough beauty on the inside to make up for all the ugly on the outside.

Thinking of your significant other is fine, but be careful when you let a new love interest creep into both your mind and broadband connection, because you never know what might happen.