Last time we discussed how to get a threesome going with your girlfriend and object of your mutual attraction.  This time, we will discuss what to do during your ménage e trois.

First, let’s hit the checklist:

Breath should: be light, refreshing and inviting.

Breath should not: be toxic or reminiscent of Thanksgiving leftovers.

Condom should: actually be condom(s) plural because you never know how many you will need.

Condom(s) should not: be anything wacky like banana flavored or glow in the dark.

Mind should: be feeling calm, cool, collected and emotionally “hard”.

Mind should not: be feeling disgruntled, doped up or Freudian.

Now that you’re all set to begin, you may be asking questions like who should make the first move, who gets the most attention, how long should it last and who busts out the club sandwiches?  And I’m going to answer all of these concerns…including the luncheon-based ones.

Who makes the first move?  You make the first move!  You are presumably the man and that is your sworn role, to be the aggressor, hornily plowing through invisible barriers of uncertainty and insecurity with your massive, jet-fueled erection.

Who gets the most attention?  Your girlfriend gets the most attention!  This is a gift from her to you, make no mistake about it.  Be grateful and show her that you care deeply about her, even if you are deeply in the other girl.

How long should it last?  Long enough for you to please both of them.  This can be done through immense (depending on how hard your threesome mates are to please) concentration on things in the world that are not sexy such as, Radio City Music Hall hosting a night of Brokeback Mountain on ice.  It can also be achieved through an inherent (or temporarily built up) ability to go for gold multiple times in a row.

Who provides the refreshments?  Whoever’s pad it is that you are sinning at.  If it’s yours, make sure you have some great, after-sex comfort foods available to bypass the awkwardness and regret that threaten to set in at any moment.  We’re talkin’ tubes of cookie dough, bagel bites and Pringles here.

Heed these guidelines and you’re sure to be having successful threesomes in no time.  And after you get enough experience in this line of sexual conquest, you may just be ready for the hallowed grand-daddy of all the collective want and need of the male psyche as we know it: the fourgy.

A threesome is a lot like great beer; it’s highly sought after, involves both your mouth and (later on) your genitals and it can either leave you with wondrous memories soaked in visions of flesh and pleasure or woeful outcomes full of medical conditions and public confrontations.  Either w ay, it’s the dream of many men all over the world.  A threesome with two strangers can be as emotionally tame as it is physically wild, but a threesome involving your own girlfriend will probably require much more from you and take much more out of you.  Let’s go over a general outline of what your plan of action should be.

-Pre-qualify your girlfriend to see if she’s right for a threesome.  Is she sexually deviant, freaky, and dominating chick with a prominently displayed tramp stamp? If so, then she’ll probably be down like China Town and ready to get it on like Donkey Kong.  But, if she’s the kind of girl that would castrate you with an ice cream scooper in a fit of jealousy without hesitation, then you may want to forget about your dream or even better: forget about her.

If she might be into it…

-Ease into the conversation by asking if she finds certain women attractive.  Then, progress by asking about specific women.  “Do you find her sexy?  I bet you two would look so good together.”

If she’s showing signs of interest, curiosity or arousal…

-Take the next step and ask what she thinks of the idea.  If she’s interested, that’s great, but it’s not over yet.  You still have to get the little chicklet the two of you have been thinking about to agree to the night of perfect disease and drama free love making that you have idealized in your mind.

Get her talking with the two of you…

-Sell yourself.  Sell your girlfriend.  Well, you know what I mean…

Flirt with her…

-See if she wants to spend some time with just the two of you tonight or sometime soon.  If not, it’s pretty obvious she’s wary of where this is going.  You and your girlfriend, however, will still have some plausible deniability.  If she is willing to spend time alone with the two of you, then there’s a really good chance that it’s just a matter of time before you can enjoy being the meat in your first ever lady sandwich.

Get close…

-Sit on both sides of your target.  Laugh.  Flirt.  Touch.  Have some wine.  Or better yet, share a bottle of moonshine.  But overall, have fun and you’ll be entering that two-mouth, four-breast nirvana you’ve always aspired to be a part of.

In part two we’ll cover the bases of what to do during the Ménage à trois. Stay tuned…

Summer is here and for any lucky young guy on the prowl, the bars will be stocked with newly divorced (or at least looking for extra marital affairs) cougars. Hunting a cougar is not much different from sweet talking some dumb chick your age back to your place, but it can be more of a challenge.

Here are some tips on how to handle a cougar.

1. Be to the point. This is a woman who just wants to get laid. In most cases, you won’t have to make small talk, or do any of the normal courting bullshit. She doesn’t care what you do for a living, what your interests are, and how your last relationship ended. She only cares about finding the nearest bed.

2. Cougars can be angry, use it to your advantage. Many of these unloved women, just need some good sex. They might not seem overly appreciative after the fact, but don’t bear yourself up. Remember they are divorced, so the guy probably had a reason for getting rid of the broad in the first place. Use a cougar’s anger for fun purposes. Angry slamming into walls sex is a must with them. This isn’t the kind of woman who wants to be sweet-talked and treated gently. When with a cougar this is definitely the time to suggest any dirty depraved act you’ve been wanting to try out.

3. Make sure you have what it takes to get a cougar. Unless you’re Dustin Hoffman, or that kid from American Pie odds are you won’t be losing your virginity to your mother’s best friend. Going into a cougar situation with no experience is a bad idea and can end in embarrassment for both parties. Be confident, and approach the act as what it is, sex.

4. Get out before you find yourself in a situation. Cougar banging, while a sport, is definitely a novelty. After a good number of rounds, it’s best to call it quits or at least move on to new prey. You don’t want to wind up in complicated situations such as being introduced to her kids as “mommy’s new boyfriend.” Before you know it you’re stuck babysitting and changing diapers. You also don’t want to get dragged into any ongoing legal battles with her or her (soon to be ex) husband.

Where can I find a cougar?

The answer to this is simple. Like with anything, a ten second search on the internet of all places will yield you some positive results. In personal ads, many women who identify as this type will put it right there in the title.

Here is a local craigslist example, “Just trying my luck here… Im a beauty too amaze and to b amazed by u. Traditional cougar with a modern twist who has looks and brains. Searching for someone I feel a connection with, and can laugh with or laugh at is okay to as long as they’re is alot of laughing going on… fantastic, sultry, cooks and clean occasionally & likes too go explore new places. Must like too travel and also like spending time at home. Oh, by the way, I am married. I think its safer if you’re to. Discretion is imperative. Thanks…!! Im studying philosophy at Rutgers (go Scarlet Knights!!)”

In addition to craigslist, there are sites tailored specifically to this purpose, a section of adult friend finder and other avenues of this sort.

In order to meet a real live cougar, your best bet surprise, surprise would be to visit a bar. Scout around and make some conversation like when picking up any other woman. On rare occasions you might find a mother daughter combo looking for some fun. Enjoy at your own discretion. Cougars are more likely to be found in the laid back traditional townie bar, than the college age lounge (this of course depends on both the area, and the person.) Other things you can do in hopes of meeting cougars include:

Being a landscaper, pool boy, electrician, plumber, etc; staking out women’s gyms, bookstores, and coffee shops.

For some examples of cougars in popular media, check out the episode of “How I Met Your Mother” entitled “Aldrin Justice” Jane Seymour, one of the hottest cougars or all time (and a former bond girl) plays a college professor in need of a good extracurricular romp, or you can be sure to check out the movie that put cougars on the map, “The Graduate.”

If you are one of those single college guys who has yet to achieve a one night stand, mark your calendar for this Thursday or Friday and get to it.

Step 1: Pick a venue. Be it a party, campus library, the all-girl dorm, facebook, or the anime club, it’s college, so it’s bound to be crawling with chicks.

Protip: You can always find horny half naked women in the laundry room, although in my case one gave me mono.

Step 2: Liquor. Liquor is the single greatest thing ever discovered, and it helps get anyone in the mood. If it’s a party or bar the liquor aspect will be taken care of for you. Had you met an artsy chick in the aforementioned campus library, go and pick up a cheap bottle of wine and drop her an invite to your dorm room.

Protip: keep a corkscrew/bottle opener handy.

Step 3: Be honest and direct. You want a one night stand right? Well then tell her. It’s college, women are horny, and if she’s going to sleep with you for a one night stand, she’s obviously looking for one too. You’ll have more luck getting one being honest, then if you subtlety drop hints and end up going home alone.

Protip: Don’t try this on your girlfriend prospect, your humanities professor, or the dean’s wife.

Step 4: Secure your room/a room. You don’t want to kill your chances by coming back to a roommate cramming for a Biology test. In my case I was always an asshole, and would just sexile people, or improvise by jumping into the nearest study lounge and locking the door. Make sure you’ll be alone, or it can ruin the whole thing.

Protip: If you go to HER place, you can always leave in the middle of the night, whereas at your place she might want to stay.

Step 5: Food. Either escape from her sleeping clutches and roundevous at the local diner, or if you are the sweet type take her to breakfast the next morning. You now have a one night stand under your belt and you can begin working on your next one. Remember to consult the school clinic if things are burning or itching after a week.

Protip: surprising her with breakfast in bed can erase those “what did I do?” feelings of guilt she might have, encouraging her to jump your bones again for an early morning romp.

Ok Casanova, so you’ve gotten the girl’s number, this is only the first step of many…now what? Whatd you do from this point on is crucial if you have any intentions of actually trying to score. Remember, once you get a girl’s number it’s good to have an escape route planned so that you don’t hang around after and be seen as a stalker. Get in and get out. That’s the name of the game. Once you wait however many days you’d like to, to not seem desperate (even if you are) you can get back in contact…but how do you do it?

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