Most of your friends won’t be throwing “Jon’s Stripper Bash 09” and they won’t be analyzing the guest list with a fine tooth comb to keep your ex girlfriends from being invited. I’d tell you to just “make the most of it” but the fact remains you might be in for a shitty time.
“Lame” parties break down as follows: You usually have a “last supper” type layout with the birthday boy/girl in the jesus spot. Unlike the Last Supper, most table people don’t know each other, and one side quickly becomes the fun/talkative side.
Protip: I’ve been to SEVERAL birthdays over the years. You never get into a situation where both sides can be deemed fun. If you find a hottie on the boring side, run immediate game, and invite her over to your side.
For visual reference, the boring side usually consists of less attractive people, and at least two extremely attractive people. Despite what the other side is doing, they don’t interact with anyone, and sit looking bored. The fun side is seen lighting flaming shots, taking limes out of exposed cleavage and openly playing black jack at the table.
The birthday-ee, is usually concerned with both sides interacting, so even if it’s your best friend, don’t plan on sitting with them, or talking to them much. They’ll be responsible for keeping everyone happy.
The Bill. I can’t stress this enough. The bill will completely fuck you, and if you are a best friend/significant other/genuine person concerning the one whose birthday it is, you might find yourself shelling out an additional hundred bucks to help cover a bill.
Don’t be a dick, offer to help pay for the main attraction’s meal and drinks, but don’t overdo it. I really can’t make this more important, ask for separate checks. Preferably for the entire fun side, but at least for you. Eating with people you’ve never met before and never will again causes problems. More problems are had when these people leave early (and someone always does) and leave 30 bucks on a 40 dollar bill (no tip included)
My other solution, don’t order drinks at the table. In our circle of friends, we have several former waitresses that insist on leaving a 30% tip even if the service is bad and the woman sets the table on fire. Personally, I’m a great tipper when they deserve it, but concerning tip, alcohol causes a huge problem. For starters, most people tip 1-2 dollars on a given trip to the bar. Even if the trip yields nine drinks, two bucks. Then you get people who argue that you should NOT tip on alcohol. Those waitress friends of yours (and they’ll be on the lame side, if they aren’t already your friend) insist that if a girl carries a drink made at a bar to the table you should then be tipping 8 bucks on a 9 dollar drink. Then the unthinkable happens. A table of 12 produces a 950 dollar liquor bill. You think “but I only had like 5 drinks” and the chaos ensues. My solution (and yes, you might look like a dick) refuse the initial drink order from the waitress or ask for water. After about fifteen minutes, offer to buy the birthday person a drink, and go to the bar. At the bar tell them to keep your card open, and for the rest of the night, you have an excuse for not drinking with the rest of the table (plus at the bar, the service is more personal and much faster.)
As for surviving the rest of the evening, be keen on time management. If you smoke, you’re allowed to disappear for up to twenty minutes at a time. You really only have to stay for about 3-4 hours, you should be able to make it. Secure options for trying to pick up someone at the table. Take advantage of things the venue offers such as karaoke, shot specials, and pool tables. All of the above will get you away from the lame table convention. Make an appearance to eat, have cake, and help pay for the bill.
Protip: You can order an appetizer for a “dinner” and get it on a separate check. I went to a karaoke themed excursion birthday at Cheeseburger in Paradise last Monday. I didn’t eat dinner, and got a separate check. I had a few drinks and bought at least three for people. My total bill (plus money I gave to the host) $53
Table Bill: $497 (the boyfriend of the birthday girl had to cover an additional $60, and four people left early.)
So whether you are lucky enough to be at Jon’s Stripper Bash, or bogged down at Louie’s Lameass Olvie Garden Experience, just remember, you get a birthday once a year, and the same people will have to go through the same bullshit on your behalf.
