Listen guys, as everyone knows, bachelor’s parties are something we all feverishly look forward to.  But watch out.  There are plenty of pitfalls awaiting you around every curve and bend and in every cocktail glass and G-string.  I’ve compiled a series of tips to follow lest you be deceived by the tempting hands of alcohol, erotic entertainment and general debauchery.

First off are the things you should never bring or bring up:

Never bring up your ex-girlfriend.  This can only lead to undue tears and/or anger.  And, uh, since I’ve gone there…never bring your ex-girlfriend.  In fact, just thinking about that should make you shudder in displeasure.

Never bring up your last experience with a stripper.  Your buddies don’t care and the strippers certainly don’t either.  And for the love of everything good in your life – don’t bring the last stripper you experienced.  She will ruin the night in two ways – one, by causing a turf war with the other female entertainers and two, giving you no other choice but to watch as it all unfolds.

Don’t arrive with more than $50 in singles.  You shouldn’t be spending that much money and especially not 50 separate times.  Do not bring checks made out for one dollar each.  The only thing that the strippers want bouncing is their more favorable body parts.

Next, I’m going to address some common mistakes:

Please, don’t arrive on an empty stomach, having planned to save room for the sumptuous feast of malt liquor and grain alcohol that awaits you.  Conversely, do not under any circumstances arrive with a full stomach, assuming that nothing will happen during the course of the evening that’ll cause you to evacuate your entire Baja Chalupa value meal.  Because it will.

Don’t mistake the stripper’s friendliness for interest.  She wants to get to know the inside of your wallet, not your childhood fears and life goals.  On the other hand, steer clear of propositioning the stripper as if she’s a part-time hooker.  I don’t care if her name is Cherry, Destiny, Sunflower, Sugar Mama or Steven.  She’s probably not as freaky as you want her to be.

Don’t bring a weapon or anything that could maim, injure or kill if used properly.  Murphy’s Law states that if anything violent can occur at a bachelor’s party, it will.

So, that’s it.  Prepare yourself mentally.  Prepare yourself physically.  Prepare yourself financially.  Because the night of a bachelor’s party could end with just a light hangover and a few fun memories or your life in complete and total ruins.  The choice is yours and yours alone.  Have fun!

Year after year the bars and clubs end up stocked with a fresh batch of newly divorced singles. Most of these ladies are looking for a no strings rebound fling, while others are picking out their next husband. Before getting involved with either kind it is important to establish a few things.

1. Make sure she is really divorced: If it hasn’t been finalized, she’s still technically married and aside from the moral obligations, you could find yourself dragged into a shitstorm with her and her would-be ex.

2. She probably has kids: It’s good to find this out as soon as you decide to buy her a drink. Not a kid person? Then get out of there!

3. She might be a gold digger: While a newly divorced woman will be out showing off her best black dress, and all sorts of jewelry, pay close attention to how much of it she’s wearing, and try to pick up in conversation if she’s only interested in your wallet.

With those road blocks out of the way, you’re free to go about your business. The usual techniques for meeting someone apply. This presents a new challenge altogether and you’ll find yourself hitting on a couple types of divorcees.

The horny drunk: This one is a real mystery because when she’s drinking/operating on prescription meds, she can set the room on fire, be an amazing dancer and be a very relaxed person. She’ll take you back to her place or suggest getting a hotel. The sex will be great…then her buzz wears off. She turns into a trainwreck of runny mascara and tears. She’ll begin blaming herself for her failed marriage and saying over and over how what you just did/have been doing is a “mistake”

The scorned lover: This is your best bet to hope for, and you can pinpoint her by how much shit she talks on her ex. Get used to it, cause it doesn’t stop. These type are usually just seeking a revenge-fuck (or a few) and don’t really want to commit to anything else.

The responsible older parent just back in the game: This is the woman who can be identified as phrases such as “I really should get home to my kids” “I haven’t been on a date in years” “this is all so new to me” She got knocked up at the end of high school, and became a housewife for the next ten-fifteen years. Eventually her husband had enough of her, and left for his secretary. She has far too many morals and is looking for a younger male she can mother, and use to correct the mistakes of her past marriage. You probably won’t be getting laid by her until she’s already been laying out your clothes and telling you to clean your room for a week.

The feminist: While you shouldn’t be purposely hitting on you, she can show up more as a cock-block for when you’re hitting on her also newly divorced friend. She preaches about the evil of men and will point out how you are nothing but scum, running your chances with her hotter friend.

The young single mom: I’d watch out for this one. The older mom will treat you like her kid, this one wants you to care for hers. She’ll present herself as hopelessly and pathetically as possible using her tears and great smile to get you to take pity on her and take her kids out for ice cream. That’s where it starts. You’ll be so busy getting laid it’ll be too late before you realize you’re driving kids to school, having tea parties, and handing out weekly allowance.

The online approach:

As with most things, you can find these types of women without even leaving your home. You’re more likely to find them than you are a straight, normal, single your age. While a number of sites cater to them, the match/craigslist angle works here as well.

Online, these women have nothing to lose, and don’t even try to hide how pathetic they are. Their ads will bring a tear to your eye talking about how they don’t even feel it’s worth trying anymore and are willing to settle for “any warm body who wishes to spend the night.” Proceed with caution.

“Til Death do Us Part” doesn’t always hold up. More and more couples marry for the wrong reasons and then end up calling it quits.

How do you make a marriage work in the face of all this adversity? Well there’s no simple quick fix for it. A marriage, and more importantly, a relationship takes two people fighting, communicating, and above all else, working their hardest to keep things on an even keel.

What factors can lead to divorce, and how can we prevent them?

Again, you can’t catch every warning flag as soon as it appears, but the best thing you can do is take your time.

Marriage is (supposedly) a lifelong commitment. Take your time before you actually declare that commitment.

Many couples marry too young, and then split up within a few years. Sometimes it’s due to unwanted children, changing jobs/locations, or the feeling of missing out on something big.

Set ground rules, and ask questions.

Plan Ahead

If you or your significant other is in a field where a complete uprooting from NY to Alaska might be required of you down the line, discuss that.

Decide if both parties agree on children. Don’t rush into having them. Enjoy each other for a few years and put away money to prepare. Take whatever precautions necessary to do this. Rushing into having kids might mean one or the other has to take a second job, killing their free-time and making them resent the other, or the children.

Talk about the future. If you plan to retire at 50 and move to the country while your spouse wants to retire at 60 and stay in the city, this could cause problems even further down the line. Over the years, the animosity will just build to this point.

Don’t compromise yourself for the sake of the other person

Sure you need to reach agreements over things like “should we get a cat or a dog?” but if you are a proud meat eater, don’t become an overnight vegan because your girlfriend thinks you should give it a try. Stay true to your individuality.

Decide if you feel satisfied with your life. Maybe you wanted to take a year to go to Europe. Don’t get married, go to Europe. Or refine the trip for a shorter stay that includes the both of you. Don’t take a job just because you “should” give yourself the freedom to do something you really want. If you know this might leave you without much money for a while, discuss that fact and prepare for it. Live within your means.

Many married couples with a large age gap tend to split up. Decide if you really have enough in common with a person prior to settling down.

Run your marriage as an equal partnership

Most relationships have a clear-cut dominant party, but you can both make decisions regarding things like finances and planned activities. Share information regarding your credit score, and any debt you might be carrying. Keep detailed records of all tax returns, stock options, and other assets. Make sure the information is accessible to both of you.

Maintain a strong savings/checking account. Establish goals of assets or amts of money you’d like to have by a certain point. Work together towards these goals. Don’t shotgun a vacation every year. Plan out something you actually want to do that you’ll enjoy and don’t just “go away because you have too”

Pick your battles:

If you find yourself fighting all the time, it really wouldn’t be worth it to continue a relationship, and it certainly wouldn’t be a smart move to jump into a marriage. Sometimes it’s ok to just let things go and not harp on them. Share this information with your partner.

Plan time for yourselves as well as for each other:

Being a couple 24/7 can take its toll on a young married couple. Take a few days for her to see her friends and for you to hang around with the guys. Decide on one night a week (or every other week) in which the two of you go out for dinner.

Make your partner feel appreciated

Simple things like making dinner, or picking up a CD they expressed interest in reminds your partner that you are thinking of them, and dispels any doubts that they should feel unnoticed and unappreciated.

Maintain a healthy sex life

Sex is an important part of any relationship, and strains can be put on a sex life due to a number of things. A new kid, picking up more hours at a job, angoing spat, all these can cripple a sex life. Communicate what works for each party and try to keep a regular level of sexual activity. If you start to have doubts, or become interested in the idea of an affair, explain this to your partner. They won’t leave you for having “thoughts.” And you may be able to easily fix the problem by changing up the same old routine.

Be open to the idea of getting help

Not everyone can do it themselves. Short of marriage counselors, even just talking with friends might help you stay together. Share your feelings with your partner. See if they feel the situation is equally as bad as you think it is.

Marriage isn’t for everyone

You might not know this for sure before you get married, but if all is going well and you still aren’t happy, it might be best to split on amicable terms, rather than drag out a nasty divorce. If all else fails, this is always an option.

So you want to throw a bachelor party? Well you’ve come to the right place. First off let’s get a few myths out of the way:

1. At a bachelor party, everyone gets laid: Well I’d surely hope not. Maybe in archaic society it was ok for the groom to be, to run a train on a few hookers before surrendering to the shackles of marriage, but in the real world that’s not the way it works. Aside from putting yourself at risk to unknown STDs (remember your friends could have picked her up for 5 bucks at the docks) you’d still be cheating on your fiancé, which in the code of relationships and cheating is worse than cheating on a long-term girlfriend. Nice one asshole. Also, if all your friends are getting laid and they subscribe to the belief that women can’t be present at bachelor parties, then they’re all sharing the same hooker.

2. Women (aside from strippers and whores) should not be present at a bachelor party: I don’t think so. If you have a best friend (female) who is more like one of the guys than your soon to be wife, why not have her there? Besides, single guys at the party are gonna wanna hook up, and odds are you’ll be at a place with single women and end up intermingling with them anyway. Guess what, now you have women at your bachelor party.

3. I don’t need strippers, hookers, or naked women at my bachelor party: Um, yea you do. Maybe not hookers, especially if your friends don’t know where to find em, but it’s not a “bachelor party” without at least one pair of tits. I’ve heard plenty of stories about guys going to play paintball, or camping, drinking a few beers and calling it a bachelor party. I’d call it a camping trip. This is your last night of freedom, and other people are paying for it, shut up and trust your friends’ judgment. No strippers? I’m not coming!

4. The bride’s father should be at the party: Why? Unless you’re overly close with your father, I wouldn’t suggest inviting him either. The bachelor party is for the groom, and HIS friends. You might wish to include the bride’s brother, if you are close but that’s it. Do you seriously want the father of the woman you’ll be defiling on a nightly basis (if you haven’t already) to watch the depraved acts you do around strippers and or hookers? Not to mention the things your friends will be doing?

5. I don’t need alcohol, to have a good time: You might not, but the rest of us have some form of dependency problem. Don’t be a prick about it.

6. Traditionally, the bachelor party should be held the night before the wedding: I don’t know who came up with this rule, but it’s a BAD FUCKING IDEA. So far I’ve been to two bachelor parties. I didn’t move til 3pm the next day both times, and on a daily basis I’m up at 7:45am coffee and a cigarette in hand. Think back to the time in college where you drank most of a pitcher of jack daniels straight, woke up pissing your self and just barely made it to an exam you bombed. The bachelor party is supposed to be like the Jack Daniels night to the 10^th power. I would not show up to the wedding pissing my tux and slurring my “I dos.” I wouldn’t even make it the same week. Fuck it, Ideal bachelor party, Two weeks before the wedding. No more than 3 months before though.

7. I can have two bachelor parties, a rowdy one, and a “family one” with my fiancé and her parents: First off, if you have your fiancé at the party, and she’s not a really cool with the situation professional stripper/porn star, then you are entering into eternal pussy-whipping. NO! Secondly, no, you do not need to have a “mature” for show party to appease the family. This whole thing is for you, do it the way you want it done.

8. It’s ok to just let the groom be, it’s his party: Sorry guys, you’re gonna need a DD, or the closest thing even if no one is driving. Remember the example of the guy getting wasted in college. College kids that wasted don’t remember things like responsibility, commitment, or being conscious. There’s been horror stories for millennia of a groom who had one too many, or accidentally banged a waitress the night before his wedding.

http://www.kmbc.com/news/13414424/detail.html (this poor bastard dropped dead in his sleep)

Point is, let him throw up on himself, but watch the guy. Someone needs to draw the short straw and do some babysitting.

9. What happens in Vegas: If you saw the “Hangover” and by now if you haven’t, then you shouldn’t be near an article about bachelor parties anyway, you’ll remember that at the end (spoiler) the guys deleted the photo evidence. Sadly, the Vegas moniker doesn’t hold up in 2009. If you steal a cop car, punch a hooker, or have dirty elevator hotel sex with someone who isn’t your girlfriend, you can bet it’s all on camera, and whats on camera will bite you in the ass on youtube/facebook. A great idea would be to ban, and collect all cameras, ipods, and cell phones at the start of a party. Watch the antics in public, because passersby will be sure to record a gaggle of 32yr old frat boys riding the groom through Caesar’s Palace.

10. I need drugs at my bachelor party: If you want to have some recreational weed, then so be it, but for the amt of coke that shows up in most movie bachelor parties, you could be facing some serious jail time with a wedding on the horizon. The “Donkey Scene” in Bachelor Party alone, would have had Tom Hanks sent away for 20-Life for trafficking and intent to distribute, not to mention the whores. A few hits of X, and a little herb won’t kill anybody. Remember if you get a hotel room, or hold it at a private place it’s better than using a bar that’s open to the public. Odds are your mini whore house will get busted.

With all that in mind, let’s get to the party basics:

You really only need two things: strippers, and booze. The groom shouldn’t pay for a thing, and doing something where you aren’t just stuck at one place would be better than renting out a creepy bar full of guys.

Hiring someone to work the door is a good idea. As I mentioned it’d be good to have someone (preferably an already married guy) willing to stay semi sober and watch the groom before he chokes to death on his own vomit. If you need strippers, you can always revisit our favorite avenue of craigslist. (you can also find the hookers here, you might have to do a bit of digging) And remember to check out “The Hangover” “Very Bad Things” and of course “Bachelor Party” for an example of what not to do.